Buh Bye LA

As planned, I am off to Tokyo tomorrow. My trip will be about 6 weeks long, as designated by my contract. I have very mixed feelings about this excursion. In the 7 weeks that I have spent in LA, I can honestly say that I have found a home. My parents are back in Carlsbad, but there is no work there, so I can't expect to be going back all the time, and I have no life set up there. I have made such amazing relationships here, friendships, and more. Louis, Ashley, Damon, Michael, Margaux, Sarah, Sterling, they have all given me so much and made me feel like I finally belong somewhere. Normally when I travel, I just go and do my thing and leave. I feel like I am leaving something "real" behind here. I was talking with Miss Ashley this morning, discussing my departure and what I will be leaving behind when I go. I told her that I have really fallen attached to a couple people here, and I don't know how to explain that to them. She told me that I just have to go forward with my life. She noticed how confused I am about all my feelings about work and relationships, and I told her that I have to not care, because if I care then I will be hurt. She responded, "Ali, if you don't care, if you don't hurt, then you feel nothing. What is life without feelings?". Love, pain, heartache, no matter how much they can hurt us, that hurt reassures us that we are alive. There is a reason these things happen to us. "Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Lonliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again." -Unknown. This really made me think about my views on things. But why do I try to hurt myself? I always involve myself with boys that are unavailable. When I first started with my ex, he had a girlfriend. Then my boy in Paris was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, my next hookup was someone I knew I would never see again, and now, I am with someone that has told me time and time again that a relationship will never happen with any girl. I always put myself in these positions and I don't understand why yet. While I have been with a boy in each city, I have dedicated my time in Tokyo to myself. I want to be alone, to find myself and to sleep alone at night, because for some reason, the boys I lay next to aren't really there, right? Anyways, I have a lot to think about and reflect on. My next post will be from my new place in Tokyo. Hopefully my journey will be a good one. Til next time...

XOXO

Allison in Wonderland