I had a boyfriend for two years; his name was Matt Larson. We met in our math class and he had a girlfriend. He started liking me, and after a while, he left his girlfriend for me and we starting dating. He was my first boyfriend and the only one that I had done anything sexual with. I'll spare you the dirty details. We fell in "love" very quickly and we consumed each others lives. It was pathetic. How can a someone rely so much on another person? You aren't living ONE life, you are living two separate lives, and incorporating each other in them. Now when I see girls so dependent on their boyfriend, it makes me want to slap them across the face, because they don't realize how it can only lead to failure. ANYWAYS. Matt and I dated for two years, and looking back, I don't have many fond memories of it. Between telling me I was fat, finding out that he loved someone else while he was with me, lying about how many girls he slept with before me, and other things, I have to ask myself, "Was I drunk the whole relationship?". Love is blinding. It's a saying for a reason, people. You have to always remember that you are your own person, and people will come and go from your life with ease, and you have to be strong enough to let go. When my boyfriend dumped me I was SHATTERED. I was crying for days, couldn't work, couldn't eat, I was basically a mess. I had just gotten to Paris and had no one to console me but the models that I had just met. One girl that I owe a lot to is Katelyn Johnston. She helped me be a stronger person and realize how much more I have in my life, and I moved on rather quickly.
I found a boy a week later named Yo An. He was the amazing french boy that girls dream about. He was a promoter for a couple clubs out there and it didn't take much time for me to become quite fond of him. We were in the city of love driving around on his scooter, going to the Eiffel tower, etc. It was my fantasy, but I remembered that it was just that, a fantasy. I managed to keep myself distant from him. I knew that I couldn't have a relationship anymore, and I needed to live for ME and figure out what I want out of life. After a crippling trip to Portugal, I returned to Paris with an injured foot, and had to fly back to Carlsbad because I was a "liability". So much for my month in London.
This brings us to my current situation. After a lot of drama in Carlsbad with my ex, I decided that I wanted to move to LA to make money for a month before returning to my worldwide escapades. A day after arriving here, my roommate, Maryam, and I were at Coffee Bean trying to figure out where her casting was when a guy came up asking if we needed help finding our destination. This guy was Louis. Immediately I liked him, because let's be serious, looks matter in a first impression, especially in this fake city. He was extremely nice, and drove us to Maryam's casting and kicked it with us for the remainder of that sunny afternoon. We had heaps of fun, and then he invited us out that night, but we had already made plans. That night turned out to be a lot of drama for my dear Maryam, and Louis rescued us at the club with me yelling at a random named Cedric who I had punched earlier in the night for being mean to Maryam. From that day on we have been kicking it almost every day.
I promised myself that after my last relationship I would do anything to avoid getting attached to people, and so far it has served me well. Louis is different. He is starting to break down my wall and I am becoming defenseless. My immediate instinct at this point is to move to another town, because running is what i do best, but my flight to Tokyo is already booked for the first week of June. Now I don't know what I want and that scares me.
I see the world in black and white. I rarely have times where there are shades of gray and I find myself looking back in the mirror more and more asking who I am anymore. What happened to the little nerdy blond girl that only cared about her horses and her schoolwork; who was only worried about getting into an amazing college and making her parents proud? I'm not in college, and I travel the world for a work that consists of smoking to keep from eating. I never saw myself becoming this girl in my wildest dreams. I lost my innocence. I no longer hope for the best, because hopes lead to disappointment. Love isn't the fairytale that you see in the movies. I don't even know if it exists. What does exist is pain. I know that for sure. All I try to remember is that life comes one day, one hour, one second at a time, and if I die tomorrow, I want to leave this world knowing that I lived a good life and I always stayed true to myself and who I am inside. I will always be that little nerdy blond girl deep down, but I will never see the world with the innocence that I used to have, and I am a stronger person for it.
XOXO
Allison in Wonderland
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